Talking to young people about violent incidents

A violent incident can really shatter the innocence of children and teenagers, especially adolescents. Research found that 47% of children reported that violence and the fear of violence impacted their day-to-day lives, 26% of children said they kept themselves more isolated, 20% had difficulty sleeping and 18% found it hard to concentrate at school.

While adults are able to see and accept that such incidents are rare and unusual, children often have difficulty understanding mirroring this due to their lack of maturity. Therefore, it is the role of adults to address the fears and concerns that such incidents can manifest in children.

Talking to children about violent incidents is a conversation that requires care, thought and lots of listening. Events such as public violence and intentional harm with tragic outcomes can cause a myriad of emotions, such as fear, anxiety and a sense of vulnerability, in individuals, families and communities. This is especially true for child-on-child violence. However, it is important to recognise that such events can be misinterpreted and often surrounded by misinformation that circulates on social media which, when accessed by young people, further fuels their concerns and worries.

Talking about violent incidents, particularly with children, is an essential way of helping them manage their emotions and giving them perspective on what has happened. Parents and staff working with young people can address these concerns by initiating conversations. These conversations need to be structured to ensure young people feel listened to, supported, and secure enough to express their thoughts and emotions openly.

It is important that their feelings are acknowledged and validated as ‘normal’ and that it is understandable that they may feel worried about their personal safety or the safety of those they care about. Discussing these feelings will help children to feel in control of their emotions and improve their well-being and mental health. This open communication should also enable parents and staff to assess and, hopefully, address any emerging concerns quickly and effectively.

Here are our tips for beginning the conversation, getting help and providing support:

• How to start the conversation: Firstly make sure you choose an appropriate environment, ensuring there are no interruptions and time allocated. Start the conversation by asking the child open questions about the violent incident they have seen or heard about. Listen carefully and avoid interrupting, allowing them to talk freely. Good opening questions might be, “After what happened, I’ve been worried about you. Would you like to talk?” or “Why do you think this happened?”
• Share your concerns: Express your thoughts and feelings about the violence or incident to the child. Use language suitable for their age and aim to be calm and confident. Avoid oversharing, and don’t focus too much on your concerns; the focus should be on their questions and answers even when they are not in the mood to talk. For example, “I am upset about this incident. How do you feel?". It provides them a medium to express their emotions and ensures they feel secure.
• Listen and encourage: Provide the children with an open space to discuss their fears, worries or concerns. Let them know their feelings are valid and it is ‘normal’ to the way they do. Try to patiently listen and not react immediately, without rushing to give advice. E.g., "I want to know what you think and feel, even though it might be hard for both of us..." or "It’s ok to feel...".
• Give Reassurance: Keep reassuring and comforting the child by being with them and available for them. Provide helpful information and remind them that their well-being and safety are your main concerns. Use reassuring phrases such as, “You won't get in trouble for sharing your feelings”, or even just a simple statement like "You're upset. Is there something I can help with?" This reassurance provides them with care and support to soothe their concerns and help to make them feel more secure.
• Be Open and Honest: Keep the conversation open. You don’t have to know or have the answers to everything. Remind them that violence is never okay and can lead to feelings that even adults can have trouble dealing with. If you are a parent, you can remind them of how committed you are to the safety and security of your family, or if you are a professional, tell the child that under your care, you will do everything possible to keep them safe. Adjust the conversation for the child based on their needs. Acknowledge what is uncertain and focus on the proven facts. You could even say, "I don't have all the answers as to why this happened, but it shouldn’t have. Things like this can’t always be explained but can be prevented”.
• Develop a Safety Plan: Help the child identify their trusted adults, such as a parent/carer/teacher/youth worker or relative they can speak to if anything dangerous/distressing occurs around them. Devise a mutual safety plan by discussing ideas on how to keep safe. Reinforce the current safety measures in the neighbourhood, school, and other public places, e.g. pastoral support sessions, increased policing presence or a community watch scheme. Make them aware of helplines and other resources they can dial anonymously and give information. Ask open questions like “How does that make you feel?" or “Is there anyone you feel you’d like to talk to about this?” This enables the child to have a stake in their safety and provides them with the tools, role models and support required.
• More conversations: Keep the lines of communication open and discuss safety on a regular basis at home or in school, not just as a response to a crisis. Adjust the conversation to suit the child’s needs, monitor their reactions, and have further conversations when they feel safe and at ease. Don't talk too much and be aware when it is best to stop the conversation. At the same time, offer some reassurance, "Perhaps we can revisit this question later. Perhaps you and I could try to find out more information, and we could discuss it together?” This opens up the dialogue for agreeing further discussion.
• Keeping things normal: After a traumatic event, children tend to experience uncertainty about what comes next. Everyone feels safer when they know what to expect. A routine provides a foundation of stability or security. Maintain familiar routines and activities for your family or class. Try to lead by example and show the child that you are continuing to follow and maintain your own routine. For instance, something like "It’s my playground duty today, do you want to walk around with me and we can chat?". This helps to give children a sense of normalcy and routine, which makes them feel safe.
• Seek additional support: Watch out for behaviours that suggest the child may still feel anxious or upset, such as refusing to go to certain places and activities, being more irritable, or having trouble concentrating on tasks. If you are worried about how the child is behaving or how they are responding, then don’t be afraid to seek additional support. Reach out to parents, school specialists or health professional for advice. Offer support by saying, “I can tell you are not having a great time right now, and I want to make sure that you are getting the support you need. Is there a way I can get you some help?”. This shows your concern for the well-being of the child and may encourage them to seek help.
• Take care of yourself: Make sure that you look after your well-being, too. This might involve talking to another adult or seeking support, such as joining a peer support group with others who are going through similar experiences for comfort, guidance, and reassurance. By taking care of yourself, you will be able to help the child more effectively.

The above guidance is designed to support general safeguarding practice and is not a replacement for specialist therapeutic intervention. Talking with children about violent incidents requires patience, empathy as well as proactive support. Through ongoing conversations, respecting their emotions, and prioritising safety, parents and educators can support children in expressing feelings, validating experiences, and nurturing resilience in young people. Keeping to routines instils a sense of normalcy. Seeking additional specialist support when needed and practising self-care all help create a safe space for young people to thrive.

Sara Spinks

SSS Author & Former Headteacher