Separation Anxiety and Transitions: Why It Deserves a Closer Look

Reflecting on my time as a headteacher, there’s something familiar about first days at school or nursery - the anxious faces, reluctant goodbyes, a child clinging to a parent’s leg. For many families, it’s a difficult but expected stage, part of starting something new.

In most cases those wobbles settle with time, but sometimes the anxiety doesn’t pass. It lingers, it worsens, and when it does it may be more than just nerves. In some situations, it may be the child’s way of saying, ‘I don’t feel safe.’

Separation anxiety is the emotional response children have when they are away from someone they are strongly attached to, usually a parent or their main carer. It is most common between infancy and the early school years. That said, it can manifest or reappear later, particularly during stressful life changes.

You might notice:

• A child who refuses to let go of a parent’s hand;
• Complaints of physical symptoms, for example a sore tummy or headache with no clear cause;
• Reluctance to engage or withdrawal from peers or group activities;
• Sudden return to behaviours like thumb-sucking or wetting;
• Disrupted sleep or difficulty falling asleep.

While most children grow out of it with some patience and consistent support, others don’t; and for those children, it is essential to question ‘why?’.

If anxiety around separation continues well beyond the usual settling period, or worsens over time, staff should pause and reflect. This kind of behaviour might point to:

• A home environment that may be unstable or unsafe;
• Emotional neglect or an inconsistent caregiving relationship;
• Stress from a recent loss, such as a death in the family or parental separation;
• Exposure to domestic abuse;
• A parent struggling with mental illness or substance use.

To safeguard such children’s wellbeing it is important to look at the whole picture. If a child who was once happy to attend suddenly refuses, or their behaviour shifts dramatically after a school break or family change, it may be their way of expressing distress. Reporting such changes, no matter how insignificant they may seem, is essential to enable the DSL to build a collective picture and determine how to proceed.

The Importance of Trust During Early Changes

Starting school, nursery, or even moving class or school can be unsettling. These transitions, especially for very young children, make them more reliant on the adults they trust. How those adults respond during this phase can make all the difference to a successful transition process.

This includes:

• Being consistent with who greets and settles the child;
• A calm, gentle approach that enables space for feelings;
• Making sure parents feel heard, not judged;
• Avoiding phrases like ‘You’ll be fine’ or ‘Big boys/ girls don’t cry’, which can shut down emotional expression;
• Noticing patterns - who is struggling, how often, and why.

Also, it is essential to remember that for some children, particularly those with autism, language processing issues, sensory sensitivities, or anxiety at separation, transitions can be more intense or look present differently.

It’s easy to assume that separation anxiety is just part of early education however, it can sometimes signal something deeper, especially when it is out of step with the child's development or continues despite support.

Schools and early years settings can build better responses by:

• Training staff to recognise emotional and behavioural signs of unmet needs;
• Offering a quiet space or named adult for emotional check-ins;
• Linking families to early help or wider support networks if needed;
• Using consistent adults for drop-off times to help form secure attachments;
• Keeping a record of what’s observed, noticing patterns is key.

Supporting Parents Without Blame

Parents aren’t always sure what’s typical or when to worry. Some feel guilt or embarrassment when their child struggles to separate. Others may be dealing with their own challenges such as housing problems, anxiety, or difficult home circumstances.

The way staff respond really matters. When concerns are raised gently without blame, families are more likely to open up. Some may not realise their situation is affecting their child. Others might be waiting for someone to ask.

It is also worth being culturally sensitive. Expectations around independence and emotional expression can vary across communities. Taking the time to understand a family's background can help staff tailor support in a respectful and inclusive way.

Separation anxiety isn’t always a red flag. But when it persists or takes an unexpected turn, it’s a signal worth exploring. Transitions are windows into how safe and secure a child feels and they may offer an important chance to spot when something might be wrong. By responding with care, settings can play a crucial role in helping children feel not just welcomed, but genuinely safe.

Sara Spinks

SSS Author & Former Headteacher

30 July 2025